Canada : Topless lesbians and Asians without rythym
I'm not exactly what one would call a "well-traveled" individual. When people my age come into the pharmacy looking for a vacation supply of their OrthoCyclen and brag about going off to Italy for two weeks, I generally give them my stock rebuttal, "I went to Ohio once!"
It serves many purposes. One, it allows me to subtly show them that I hate them because I'm probably 50-60X better than them, yet THEY get to go somewhere cool because of mommy and daddy. Two, it allows me to malliciously use them to fuel my dry sense of humor. And, three, it makes them shut up in a haze of confusion and general discomfort.
The sad thing is that I REALLY HAVEN'T been anywhere, ever. I went to Austin, TX and Columbus, OH to visit real family. I've been to Philadelphia to visit fake family (in-laws.) And I went to Atlanta to see WVU kick the crap out of Georgia in the Sugar Bowl back in January. So to recap, I've been to a quasi Mexican city with a giant Golden Buddha, a town with....crime, a town with good cheesesteaks, and a hub for Delta Airlines. Woohoo.
Recently, I have been blessed by the Gods. As a result of my own stupidity and the natural manifestation of a couple of anal-retentive professors with nothing better to do than stir up trouble, I don't have to go to school and I don't get too many hours at work due to the hiring of people to replace me. As a result, I have free time. For the first month of said free time, I just kinda did nothing. It was beautiful. Like going back to Junior High. No job, no school, just TV and and playing outside. I love it. And then I think to myself...instead of living at home..I'm in a podunt trailer park...so..I'm not accountable to anything...so...what the hell I'm I doing here? F' it, I'm leaving the country. My anniversary ( 1 year without divorce!!!) was also the 24th, so the trip was easy to sell to the old lady.
So I did.
Apparently in order to take a spur of the moment trip to another country, you need a "passport." Damned gov't assholes. Long story short, I did some anger-fueled reading and I realized that Canada, our frozen neighbors to the North, let you in to their country with a birth certificate and a photo ID. Woohoo.
So right after hearing about the travel situation as regulated by the asshat bureaucrats, I pricelined a hotel in downtown Toronto for $70/night and I left.
The trip up was filled with intrigue. We stopped at the Grove City, PA outlet malls so the old woman could buy some MAC cosmetics. Of course I tried to convince her to NOT stop, but 5 hours of nagging ain't worth the $150 out of my wallet. About 10 miles down the interstate after the outlet exit, we noticed about 3 cars on the side of the road and a guy waving traffic toward the left lane. There was a girl laying on the ground with blood GUSHING all around her and a bunch of confused-looking people surrounding her. So I go into quasi-health professional mode.
I park and jog with the wife over to the victim. The image is seriously burned into my memory like it just happened. She's lying there, face covered in blood, a chunk of skin removed from her forehead exposing skull about 1.5" in diameter. Her eye had already swollen and was quite puffy. She was wearing men's boxers and a Hanes wifebeater that was white at some point. Blood over everything. We ID'd ourselves as a pharmacy students, first aid certified, blah, blah. Then the most frightening thing EVER happened. I found out I was the most formally trained person there. Three people were first aid trained and that's it. Zero health professionals. AHHHH! Thankfully, I didn't actually have to do much. They had her held down, they called 911, and they were following the standard Heart Association procedure. The bleeding had stopped. She was somehow conscious..well, kinda, she was disoriented. She knew her name, Amy, how old she was, but she had no idea what day it was or where she was. Thankfully about 2 minutes later an off duty EMT showed up and about 10 minutes later the ambulance showed up....and took the rear view mirror of the off duty EMT. After they showed up, I took off. I guess she "jumped out of a car." Don't know the story beyond that.
Great way to start vacation, eh?
Upstate Pennsylvania is boring. It's like driving through a cardboard box. And what the reward? You end up in Buffalo, NY. I'm pretty sure Buffalo is the dirtiest town in existence outside of New Jersey and Wheeling, WV. It made me want to stare at the dust on my dashboard for amusement. So after ignoring my environment, we arrived at whatever Great Lake it was that I had to cross to get into Canada. The customs/border security dude was easy to get by. I drive up, he asks me my nationality, my reason for coming to Canada, and how long I'm going to be there. That's it. He didn't even ask for ID. Canada rocks. The way back in the US homeland security people were way more strict. People in front of me were getting searched, annoyed, etc.
Toronto itself was awesome. By chance I happened to come on gay pride week. Coolest thing EVER. Why? In Toronto it is legal for women to go topless. For some damned reason lesbians think walking around without a bra is some sort of meditative act. The result? Hot, topless lesbians making out in the street all over town. Viva, Canada.
What really surprised me about Toronto was how racially diverse it was. There were more Asians and Indians (dots, not feathers) than this redneck white boy has ever seen before. I was also amazed with how in shape Torontonians were. There were no fat people. ANYWHERE. In WV, I'm scrawny, in Toronto I'm "thick." All of the women from age 15 all wear little black dresses EVERYWHERE, too. Few jeans wearers.
As tradition dictates, entering a town that has a Dave & Busters means I must go. The Toronto D&B was nice. Better than the ones in Pittsburgh and Austin. It was like frickin' Tokyo. 500 Asians and me. What amazed me is that these Asians could dominate the dancing game Dance Dance Revolution, yet have absolutely no rhythm at all. They have these stupid games that require timing to win and none of them won all night. then I would try the game and win within 5 tries. An an example, there is a game that involves a clock that counts upwards and you have to press a button and stop the clock at 1000. I did it on my 3rd try or so. All of these Asians surrounded me in awe wondering HOW I did it. It was odd.
I'm tired of typing.
It serves many purposes. One, it allows me to subtly show them that I hate them because I'm probably 50-60X better than them, yet THEY get to go somewhere cool because of mommy and daddy. Two, it allows me to malliciously use them to fuel my dry sense of humor. And, three, it makes them shut up in a haze of confusion and general discomfort.
The sad thing is that I REALLY HAVEN'T been anywhere, ever. I went to Austin, TX and Columbus, OH to visit real family. I've been to Philadelphia to visit fake family (in-laws.) And I went to Atlanta to see WVU kick the crap out of Georgia in the Sugar Bowl back in January. So to recap, I've been to a quasi Mexican city with a giant Golden Buddha, a town with....crime, a town with good cheesesteaks, and a hub for Delta Airlines. Woohoo.
Recently, I have been blessed by the Gods. As a result of my own stupidity and the natural manifestation of a couple of anal-retentive professors with nothing better to do than stir up trouble, I don't have to go to school and I don't get too many hours at work due to the hiring of people to replace me. As a result, I have free time. For the first month of said free time, I just kinda did nothing. It was beautiful. Like going back to Junior High. No job, no school, just TV and and playing outside. I love it. And then I think to myself...instead of living at home..I'm in a podunt trailer park...so..I'm not accountable to anything...so...what the hell I'm I doing here? F' it, I'm leaving the country. My anniversary ( 1 year without divorce!!!) was also the 24th, so the trip was easy to sell to the old lady.
So I did.
Apparently in order to take a spur of the moment trip to another country, you need a "passport." Damned gov't assholes. Long story short, I did some anger-fueled reading and I realized that Canada, our frozen neighbors to the North, let you in to their country with a birth certificate and a photo ID. Woohoo.
So right after hearing about the travel situation as regulated by the asshat bureaucrats, I pricelined a hotel in downtown Toronto for $70/night and I left.
The trip up was filled with intrigue. We stopped at the Grove City, PA outlet malls so the old woman could buy some MAC cosmetics. Of course I tried to convince her to NOT stop, but 5 hours of nagging ain't worth the $150 out of my wallet. About 10 miles down the interstate after the outlet exit, we noticed about 3 cars on the side of the road and a guy waving traffic toward the left lane. There was a girl laying on the ground with blood GUSHING all around her and a bunch of confused-looking people surrounding her. So I go into quasi-health professional mode.
I park and jog with the wife over to the victim. The image is seriously burned into my memory like it just happened. She's lying there, face covered in blood, a chunk of skin removed from her forehead exposing skull about 1.5" in diameter. Her eye had already swollen and was quite puffy. She was wearing men's boxers and a Hanes wifebeater that was white at some point. Blood over everything. We ID'd ourselves as a pharmacy students, first aid certified, blah, blah. Then the most frightening thing EVER happened. I found out I was the most formally trained person there. Three people were first aid trained and that's it. Zero health professionals. AHHHH! Thankfully, I didn't actually have to do much. They had her held down, they called 911, and they were following the standard Heart Association procedure. The bleeding had stopped. She was somehow conscious..well, kinda, she was disoriented. She knew her name, Amy, how old she was, but she had no idea what day it was or where she was. Thankfully about 2 minutes later an off duty EMT showed up and about 10 minutes later the ambulance showed up....and took the rear view mirror of the off duty EMT. After they showed up, I took off. I guess she "jumped out of a car." Don't know the story beyond that.
Great way to start vacation, eh?
Upstate Pennsylvania is boring. It's like driving through a cardboard box. And what the reward? You end up in Buffalo, NY. I'm pretty sure Buffalo is the dirtiest town in existence outside of New Jersey and Wheeling, WV. It made me want to stare at the dust on my dashboard for amusement. So after ignoring my environment, we arrived at whatever Great Lake it was that I had to cross to get into Canada. The customs/border security dude was easy to get by. I drive up, he asks me my nationality, my reason for coming to Canada, and how long I'm going to be there. That's it. He didn't even ask for ID. Canada rocks. The way back in the US homeland security people were way more strict. People in front of me were getting searched, annoyed, etc.
Toronto itself was awesome. By chance I happened to come on gay pride week. Coolest thing EVER. Why? In Toronto it is legal for women to go topless. For some damned reason lesbians think walking around without a bra is some sort of meditative act. The result? Hot, topless lesbians making out in the street all over town. Viva, Canada.
What really surprised me about Toronto was how racially diverse it was. There were more Asians and Indians (dots, not feathers) than this redneck white boy has ever seen before. I was also amazed with how in shape Torontonians were. There were no fat people. ANYWHERE. In WV, I'm scrawny, in Toronto I'm "thick." All of the women from age 15 all wear little black dresses EVERYWHERE, too. Few jeans wearers.
As tradition dictates, entering a town that has a Dave & Busters means I must go. The Toronto D&B was nice. Better than the ones in Pittsburgh and Austin. It was like frickin' Tokyo. 500 Asians and me. What amazed me is that these Asians could dominate the dancing game Dance Dance Revolution, yet have absolutely no rhythm at all. They have these stupid games that require timing to win and none of them won all night. then I would try the game and win within 5 tries. An an example, there is a game that involves a clock that counts upwards and you have to press a button and stop the clock at 1000. I did it on my 3rd try or so. All of these Asians surrounded me in awe wondering HOW I did it. It was odd.
I'm tired of typing.
posted by --==-- | 8:36 PM
2 Comments:
...RIIIIIGHT....
Please don't spam my blog. I'll send the hounds after you.
Ah, yes. When I worked at a hospital with Deidre, the one you call "Never", one of our coworkers went to Deedee and said, "I don't trust that kid...he's EVIL.." And with a straight, completely honest face. Some people don't get the dry humor.
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